His Higher Mind - Ryan David Arthur

March 6, 1977 to December 24, 2013

September 2014

I think about you EVERY DAY, and I shed tears.
Often when I’m cycling, or come across a photo or memory of you.

BUT I’m all grown up now — regaining my strength and getting empowered to get your good work done. I stand alone — naked and exposed to treacherous elements of the cold. But you provided such great lessons, and learning. I feel you holding me up high, and giving me much needed support.

Even though I think it will take much time to set things straight…
I will love you always, and forever. You are held in my heart ever so tightly.

Blue said to me today that he felt sorry for you that you left the earth so young.
I said, “Don’t feel sorry for him — he’s in heaven. Feel sorry for me — I’m in hell.”

I act, in your honor.

Forever loved.

<3

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Ryan’s Poetry

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Ryan was a creative writer, at heart. He was also fantastic with technical writer, and at one point I had hoped he might study it, as he was finding computer work increasingly challenging. He found it hard to stick to longer pieces of prose, however, so he did a lot of poetry, instead. I have more pieces of his writing. In time, I will post.

“The Love of my Life We met in a subway station. Our first face-to face meeting. You in the “Girls Kick Ass” outfit ready for anything. Me, trying to look stylish in my leather jacket and black pant. Since then you’ve shown me what style really is and opened me to the possibilities of the future, of self, and our life everlasting. You are my bestest friend, sweetest and smartest companion, and always ready to help out whenever and whenever. Once you said that you feel blessed to have met me? I think and know it is I who is truly Blessed to have met you . xxx Ryan Choco <3″ He then attached this to an Ocean’s Wii game. So heartfelt, and innocent.

5/3/2012
Writing is an escape from the blows raining down A pause. Before – after; during? Journeying down the page, the cursor moves forward Words left in its wake, the only memory of the tirade When glimmer of light has faded, darkness takes its queue Shadow’s placement of unwelcome guests Outwardly questing, moving with sudden speed and nimble grace Thoughts turn inward, guarding mind assaulted from all sides. Tears of lead are difficult to hold; gravity’s incessant pursuit. Inexorably relentless they fall Caressing the skin on their laborious adventure Emotions are released and healing continues unabated once more. Headphones block the reasonable voice; music sutures the wound

Vulnerable, to the core, I display
Words escaped, whispered emotion
Stamped out repeatedly each way
Why do I have this failing notion?

Troubled hand on the heart
Slows it down for a start
Rise and fall, balloons of air
Tears slam the floor as nostrils flare.

Night heaves to and fro,
Witnessed by the Moons soft glow
I sail through unkindly waters
The world is full of trusting plotters.

Dawn cuts through the murky gloom
While darkness seeps from my room.
Thoughts are racing, and lips are tight
Another day, hard won this night.

 

In Memoriam

I had to leave this memorial site because life got in the way; however, I have a lifetime to keep working on it. I’ve got thousands of pictures of Ryan, and at least close to 50 or so videos. So I’ll keep working at it as time goes by. I haven’t forgotten Ryan, nor the memorial website. We love you Ryan! <3

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Ryan with a palm reading client.

0204_ryan11body Ryan at 26 or 27 years old. 🙂

February 2014

Still devastated. I just noticed I’m wearing blue in all these “grief casts”. Interesting. Also, as a vain person I realize how ugly these photos are, but for some reason I’m compelled to share them. Maybe if someone else is going through this, they can know they’re not alone. Gosh, I have so many grey hairs now. Ryan!!! LOL… Thanks a lot dude! lol 20140215_144311 20140215_144315 20140215_144317 20140215_144318 20140215_144320(0) 20140215_144320 20140215_144322 20140215_144322(0) 20140215_144429brua

January, 2014 – Grief, A piece of me just died, and dies…

If you’re wondering why I would share photos of my grief, there are many reasons for it. While I am actually quite a private person, I think some things need to be shared publically. I’m not one for hiding important things, that need to be said, or shown. Though part of me wishes, I were not so.

Anyway, I had seen a couple of posts on a friend’s Facebook about people who had taken photos of themselves grieving. Divine timing, this was right around the time that Ryan passed. This actor shared his emotional experience of his father’s passing. And then I came across the Ashes Project. Her photos are so real, so true! What bravery. I decided to follow suit, and photograph many of my moments of private grieving.

I guess I just never want to forget the pain and agony. It’s almost as if the memory of that, is just as important as the person who inflicted it (through fault or no fault of their own). It’s just not very often (thankfully) that we, as humans, feel that deeply or even have the opportunity to capture such moments (in real time) because we are so fraught with grief. And maybe these “grief” pictures are a reminder of how much we love/d someone — similar to how we’ll want to capture other emotions and important memory. We just never want to forget how much that person, or situation meant to us. And that’s why I forced myself to take my own.

The squeeze: Trying to hold it together… containing oneself. Bracing for the reality. I saw this in other “grief” picture and then I caught myself doing it. I don’t know what it means really other than trying to “contain” oneself. *shrugs* I wasn’t angry.

I’m trying to KEEP IT TOGETHER. Holding myself as TIGHT as I can (which is why I was grimacing too), to help bare the agony of my loss.

January 2014

If it were not for my two best friends being there for me, in the first few days – surely I would have killed myself right off the bat. I will be forever, gladly, in their debt. But as the months rolled on, it was as if I had a death wish. I just stopped caring for myself. And eventually I got really sick, from it.

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Below… from the Ashes Project

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February, 2014

Then my mother spent the next four months, calling me DAILY from BC to make sure I stayed alive. She didn’t stop until I told her, with great verve that I was okay. And to stop worrying, please. Then it trickled to a few times a week, and then we settled on a once a week phone call. Without her, surely I would not be here today.

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My intense grieving process continued on, on a DAILY basis for about five months. I mean, daily. I couldn’t work, sleep.. I was a complete mess. I wanted to die, so many times. I started coming out of it in May; however, the August photo shows clearly I was still grieving, even when I thought I was doing much better. I became severely ill by October 2014. All the while, I tried my best to keep it together, to act normal, to find my new normal. Mostly, in vain. I have many pictures, from throughout the months So I’d say it took me until the spring of 2015 to start waking up again.

And then my business died. I wasn’t running it very well, with severe grief, anyway. But our websites got hacked with virus, and Ryan was the only person I knew who could fix it. Sigh. I still haven’t got the business back up and run, to its previous glory. It’s just been on back-burner until I can focus on restarting it. The cognitive part has been difficult to regain strength on…

AUGUST 2014

I actually THOUGHT I was smiling here.

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AUGUST 2015

And then August 2015, my beautiful biological mother dies. I spent a couple of weeks crying, profusely. I didn’t
document my image. I instead, documented photos of apples (that I found everywhere) – her logo / nickname and cloud formations of angels. I spent time with her, and not me.

I was thankful to have had the chance to visit her, briefly in BC. And when I got the news (still in BC, and only a few days before I was going to see her again – I was in another BC town, at the town), I called my besties and again their words of wisdom and care were what I needed to hear to get back up on my feet. I don’t know how they know exactly what to say, to calm me. I don’t think I’d have the same kind of impact on them in such a horrible situation.

She told me that she wanted to hold out long enough to make sure I stayed alive, and healed from the tragedy of Ryan’s early passing. They both share the Sun sign of Pisces, Virgo Moon, and loved each other dearly. She kept his memorial card on her wall, and said it would, “dance” sometimes…

My mom said that she was so happy I was feeling better now, and a worker told me the same message as well, even though she and I knew that I had not completely healed yet – but I was surviving, and getting better. And then my Mom died shortly after my first visit with her.

Processing Ryan’s passing, which I still had not / have not got over – helped me get through my sweet Mother’s passing much more quickly. Though with her, I feel like she’s never left me. She left me so much to me, spiritually. Then again, I haven’t also had time to process her death fully. Processing two deaths, simultaneously is almost impossible.

After a couple of weeks after my Mom, passing… I took this picture of her – in thought of her (wearing her hair jewelry).

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October 2015

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SPRING to July 2016 – Now

I’ve come a long way baby. A new normal, is found. Health restoring.Time heals, with hard work.

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July 18, 2016 – Lately I’ve been meeting widows – YOUNG widows… where their husbands passed before the age of 40 years old… Today, this 44 year old widow said her husband died in an accident, 8 years ago. She was left with a 3 year old. Earlier, I had shared feedback with her, through the Johari Window. One remark I had for her was that she was “tough”. She didn’t see herself that way. And she oddly had said the same about me. Yet neither of us knew of our past. Within a minute of sharing her own past, she broke down in tears. I was composed. Until later, when we were alone and I asked a bit more about her circumstance, and she told me how it is hard Each and Every day, and that she still loves him, and has not forgotten him. Remembers him every day. I broke. I think what is worst is knowing I probably will never get over it. A haunt, for a lifetime.

 

Keep Calm and Start a Rebellion

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$_35 Oh! A Facebook friend posted this t-shirt tonight. And wrote:  ‘Keep calm and start a rebellion.’ There’s a bow and arrow at the top of it which always brings to mind for me the strong and awesome Goddess Diana of the woods, patron and protector of women and queer folks

Ryan was an archerer and pro-women / queer. This t-shirt is lovely! He would have loved it. I hope to one day set up a foundation in his name. He was rebellious by nature (Mars Aquarius) but also calm too (Pisces Sun / Mercury), and wanted women to be loud and proud. He was my biggest supporter, and best friend. I achieved so much with him.

I love you Ryan. You are not forgotten. Always, and forever.

<3

Here comes the rain again…

Ryan prided himself on knowing when the rain would come, just by smelling it.

He would say, “It’s going to rain”. And I was like, “Really?” and he was like, “Can’t you smell it?”. Eventually, I did learn to predict rain, through smelling it.

We had a very difficult Canadian winter we had, the Farmer’s Almanac predicts a thought of rain, wind, and thunder. So I’ll be hearing a lot more from Ryan, I suppose.

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